WARNING! Unauthorized interception of this broadcast is illegal, and punishable by death!
We’re LIVE from Washington DC, and we open with Lillian Garcia singing the National Anthem (accapella). Various cuts to soldiers in the crowd, and fans waving American flags. I appreciate this. USA! USA! USA! Fade to black.
Summerslam intro, beginning with the Cena/Jericho recap and ending with the Hogan/Michaels summary. Hot intro and it really gives the show a big-event feel. This is Summerslam, baby! Whooo! Fireworks, screaming crowd and a spoken word introduction by Jim Ross, Jim Lawler and the Coach. Pass the mic to the Spanish guys, and finally we cut to Tazz and Michael Cole at the Smackdown table who formally introduce the event.
CHRIS BENOIT (introduced first) VS. US Champion ORLANDO JORDAN. Orlando has vowed to knock Benoit out, while Benoit promises to make Jordan tap. Immediately into the lockup, where Jordan forces Benoit back into the corner. OJ refuses to break clean and takes a swipe at Benoit. But Benoit is on him with a german suplex, into the crossface and…. Jordan taps out!? What the heck!? Even the announcers are incredulous! This match ended in record time! Are they protecting Benoit by having him kill Jordan with minimal effort? Because even with a brief United States title run, Jordan never was more than a highly-decorated jobber. Maybe they felt it would hurt Benoit’s credibility as a main eventer if he struggled against OJ. Or maybe they’re just preserving PPV time for the other matches this evening. But if this show ends at 10:30 pm EST I’ll be pretty pissed. Um, ** stars?
Backstage, Eddie is conferring with his wife (what’s-her-name). She reiterates my early theory about Eddie only using Dominick to psyche out Rey. But Eddie adamantly denies this! He says it IS all about Dominick! He needs an heir to pass on the Guerrero legacy to. The conversation quickly degenerates into an argument, and Eddie kicks her out of the locker room after interpreting her comments to mean she thinks he can’t beat Rey. Then, he quietly reassures himself that he CAN and WILL beat Rey tonight.
EDGE (w/ LITA) versus MATT HARDY
Recap of the Matt Hardy/Edge/Lita triangle. Does anybody still believe Hardy’s internet tirade was a shoot?
Edge is introduced first, accompanied by Lita (who wears a very revealing bikini top). King and Coach go wild on commentary. Brief moment of silence before Matt’s music starts and the arena pops huge. He runs to ringside and immediately the two mortal enemies engage in bare-fisted brawl. The ref is trying to get the two grapplers separated and into the ring, but Matt Hardy is relentless. Finally Edge crawls into the ring and the bell rings, officially starting the match.
Matt just tackles him and pounds him into the mat. When Edge tries to escape, Matt drags him down to the canvass with a chokehold. Edge can’t hide or buy a breather as Matt follows him outside, and then back in again. Matt is just socking away at Edge, who cowers in fear in the corner. Lita is concerned. Finally Edge responds with a headbutt to the bridge of Hardy’s nose, and now it’s his turn to take control. He tees off on a stunned and prone Matt Hardy, driving him onto the ring apron. Edge unleashes the early highlight of the evening by spearing Matt Hardy through the second rope and down to the concrete floor! Both wrestlers down, and the crowd is into it - counting right along with the referee. Finally Edge rolls Hardy back in, but Matt fights back. The talking heads were right, this isn’t a wrestling match – it’s a straight brawl.
Matt forces Edge into the corner and goes into the turnbuckle 10 punch, but Edge counters with a stun gun to the steel ring post. Matt tumbles hard down to ringside. Outside, Edge follows up with a few more punches before throwing a visibly concussed Matt Hardy back into the ring. The ring post shot busted Matt’s forehead wide open, and Edge eagerly licks his fingers. He’s down, and bloody but begging Edge to bring it on. Adam Copeland, better known as “Edge”, is just punishing Matt. About 7 minutes in and already it’s “the most brutal match” Coach has ever seen. What does he know, he only watches Heat. But wait! His comments hide a deeper meaning. Suddenly, referee Chad Patterson STOPS the match due to excessive blood loss on Matt Hardy’s behalf! Edge is the winner! BIG TIME boos! Wow, wicked anticlimactic! What tragedy! That was a blown call of Kerry von Erich proportions! Bad refeering! The crowd clearly wasn’t expecting that either, and don’t know how to react. Another clipped match, second one of the night. Now I’m thinking the ladder match is going to be a 45 minute contest. ** ½ .
REY MYSTERIO versus EDDIE GUERRERO for custody of Dominic.
Outside the MCI Center, Michael Cole goes over the attendance figures and Tazz plugs Day of Reckoning II. Segue into the Misterio/Guerrero recap. Not even the WWE hype machine can make this storyline look tight. It’s a stupid angle. Tazz breaks protocol and announces he is completely supports Rey in this match. .
Eddie is introduced first while Dominic watches on from ringside. Rey makes his SummerSlam 2005 debut, but is not his usual jovial self. A grave seriousness hangs over him as he passes the ladder in the aisle. He’s fighting for so much more than any paycheck, fame or title belt. Eddie opens with a cheap shot, before beating Rey with punches and a back suplex. But Rey quickly counters with a monkey flip, sending Eddie outside ring, where he elects to take a breather. Rey follows him outside but gets flung into the steel steps, and again into the ladder ominously perched at ringside. Eddie drags the ladder into the ring while the announcers remind us Eddie is 0-6 against Rey Misterio in career.
Inside the ring, Eddie sets up the ladder and scales it to the top. With the way things are going tonight, I wonder if the match is over already. I wouldn’t be surprised. But Rey quickly strickes back with a springboard dropkick that knocks Eddie off the ladder and outside the ring again. Now Eddie gets the 2nd ladder, and a tug of war breaks out as he tries to bring it inside the ring. Using his strength advantage, Eddie drives the metal ladder into Rey’s gut and enters the rings. But Rey won’t fold, and battles back. He sends Eddie to the floor and blasts him with a ladder kick to the face. Eddie staggers about, with the ladder still in his hands. Rey bounces out of the ring with a springboard sitting senton, sending the ladder clattering down upon both of them! Misterio is in the ring first, but slow to climb the ladder. This allows Eddie enough time to scale the other side, and the two engage in fisticuffs atop the ladder. Eddie attempts a sunset powerbomb on Rey, but they mess up! Eddie loses his grip and Rey just winds up falling backwards. And the WWE production team… replays it?
The feisty Eddie Guerrero runs the ladder into Rey a few times before driving him into the turnbuckle, and pinning him there with the ladder. Slides out and grabs the second ladder. Back in the ring, he dropkicks the 1st ladder into Rey again, before safely body slamming him onto the second one. He then sandwiches the diminutive Rey Misterio in between both ladders. Eddie teases a frog splash, before executing his slingshot somersault splash over the top rope onto Rey (still stuck between both ladders). Crowd chants for Eddie but this is far from an ECW caliber match. Clobbers Rey back into the corner, and pins him there again with the ladder. Eddie sets up the 2nd ladder and climbs to the top (after much delaying). But Rey suddenly bursts free from his temporary imprisonment in the corner, and lodges both ladders together. He uses that leverage to run up the ladder and prevent Eddie from grabbing the suitcase (which contain Dominic’s adoption papers, or something). He then carefully backdrops Eddie onto the leaning ladder, but the whole contraption collapses and Rey Misterio dies. Seriously, that was a sick unplanned bump and the replay reaffirms that.
Eventually, Rey sets the ladder up again and slowly begins his ascent. But he’s quickly dropkicked off by a recovered Eddie Guerrero. Eddie’s in charge and he lays one of the ladders atop the top turnbuckle like a Shawn Michaels pose. He retrieves Rey but Misterio fights back with firm kicks to the gut. It’s not enough though, as Eddie winds up bouncing Rey’s body off the steel ladder like a crash test dummy. Things are looking grim for Dominic’s adopted father. Eddie clearly has the advantage, and the crowd holds its breath as he…slowly… sets up… and climbs….the ladder. Suddenly, the crowd flares to life as little Dominic runs into the ring! Will he swerve Rey by helping Eddie like I predicted? NO! He shakes the ladder in a vain attempt to prevent Eddie from reaching the papers! But he’s too weak to knock Eddie down, and freezes in fear when Guerrero ice grills him.
Eddie descends and stalks Dominic, bullying him into the corner. He demands that Dominic hug him, shouting “you’re gonna love me!” Just then, Eddie rears back as if to slap little Dominic! But Rey Misterio interjects in the nick of time and drops Eddie like a bad habit. Eddie gets laid out over the second rope, with the ladder propped against his face. The crowd senses it, and Rey responds with a hard 619 onto the ladder. Eddie is out in the center of the ring, with the metal ladder still draped over him. Slingshot legdrop crushes Eddie between the ladder and the mat, with the crowd roaring their approval. Rey erects the ladder and begins his slow climb to the top. But Eddie staggers to his feet, and climbs up the ladder beneath Rey – putting him into an electric chair position. But drawing on nothing but blood and guts, Rey counters with a flawless sunset powerbomb that drives Eddie into the mat!
Rey climbs the ladder again. Cut to Dominic in the crowd, flashing the fakest smile you’ve ever seen. Rey gives him the “thumbs up” and continues his ascent. He’s got the briefcase in his hand! Crowd thinks it’s over! But Eddie knocks the ladder out from under him, and Rey is left dangling high about the canvas! Can he grab the bag! No! He loses his grip and plummets towards the mat, where Eddie catches him with a powerbomb! Crowd cheers for Eddie again! He’s getting Devils Rejects-type heat. Rey Misterio is laid out in the center of the ring, and is clearly beaten by Guerrero. But Eddie’s not through. He sets the ladder up right on top of Rey, pinning him beneath the bottom rung. Tazz makes the point that if Eddie just really wanted to beat Rey Misterio he would pin him but let him keep his head. But Eddie wants to destroy Rey’s entire family. In a sickening display of heelish behavior, Eddie taunts and teases the trapped Rey Misterio as he makes his way up the ladder and towards the adoption papers. But this only angers Rey, who muscles his way out and forces Eddie off the ladder hard onto the mat. Eddie is rightfully incensed (as well as injured) for not finishing Rey off. With that Latino Heat boiling within him, he snatches Rey into the three amigos, with the third one coming over the steel ladder. Rey is hurt. Eddie climbs up again, and surely THIS time it’s over!
But wait! Here’s Eddie Guerrero’s wife into the ring! She’s asking if Eddie really wants to go through with this. When it’s apparent he does, she recants her wedding vows and tosses her husband off the ladder! He lands hard on the ropes, and ricochets to the mat. She looks remorseful, but the announcers remind her she did the right thing. Rey looks utterly grateful as he picks himself up off the mat, and struggles up the ladder. Crowd is building to a crescendo. He’s almost to the top, when Eddie lunges off the mat to stop him. But his own wife seizes his legs and prevents the capture! Rey Misterio grabs the bag and good guys win! Crowd goes wild as Rey, Dominic AND Eddie’s wife all celebrate together. *** ½
Backstage, Chris Jericho is being interviewed live by Todd Grisham. What’s his mind state heading into this match? The time is now for Jericho to become the WWE Champion (pause for fan gauge). John Cena is just like David Cassidy, New Kids on the Block and Andrew Shoe. All flavors of the month. Y2J is still talking about his run as the first ever undisputed champ, a million years ago (in wrestling time). Y2J puts himself over as a legendary entertainer, cuz he knows he’s only a glorified jobber.
KURT ANGLE versus EUGENE
Cut to ringside, where Eugene is entering with Christy Hemme. Good reaction. Ref holds up the gold medals, reminding us what this match is all about. Kurt’s triumphant music hits and it’s all Angle! Angle! Even though it sounds more like “U Suck! U Suck!” Angle is resonating with fiery determination, as he literally walks right up to Eugene and punks him with a punch to the grill! He beats Eugene mercilessly with hard forearm shots and kicks into the corner. He goes for another clothesline, but Eugene learned! The wrestling idiot savant drops Angle and prepares for a Peoples elbow. But Angle’s not in the mood to play, and quickly responds with a series of rolling Germans. Eugene is just getting clobbered by Angle’s high impact suplexes and slams. JR puts Angle over as a “vicious human being”. But he goes to the well again once too often when he rams Eugene’s head into the turnbuckles.
Eugene hulks up! He rocks Angle with hard Hacksaw Jim Duggan punches finishes with a rock bottom! Close two, and the crowd thought it could’ve been over right there. Angry Eugene. He stomps around the ring, before setting Angle up for the stone cold stunner. But Angle reverses it into Angle Slam position, but can’t deliver. Eugene slips out the back door, and finally hits the stunner! Another close two count. Eugene knows how to count to two. Eugene thinks for a moment, before deciding to administer the Ankle lock! But our Olympic champion has that move WELL scouted, and winds up reversing it into an Angle slam. Whoo, down goes the strap! Now we get down to business! Like a pitbull, Kurt goes for Eugene’s leg and snaps on the real Angle Lock. Almost immediately Eugene taps out! Crippled him, I called it! But Kurt’s not through. He goes outside and gets the chair. Hemme throws herself upon Eugene to protect him but Angle scares her away. Then he tosses Eugene out of the ring like a piece of garbage not even worthy of a chair shot. Angle’s got the ring to himself. He sets the chair up in the center, and demands the announcer play his music. Kurt then stands on the chair to receive his gold medal in a traditional Olympic ceremony fashion! Brilliant! The gold medal is placed around his neck to a resounding chorus of “U Suck! U Suck!” from the fans. But Angle soaks it all up nonetheless, before proudly striding out of the MCI Center for good. As JR said, this was nothing but a demonstration of Angle’s “sadistic wrestling best”. *** ½
Wrestlemania 21 is available all month long on PPV.
Live car wash commercial, with the “Get It Poppin” song playing in background. Since we’re in Washington DC, the girls are washing and waxing a black limo adorned with the presidential seal. Is George Bush in the building? No, it’s Vince McMahon who appears to a big pop from the audience. The camera focuses on a bumper sticker that reads ”McMahon For President” (!?!?!?). Vince then utters his campaign tagline – “Why not”? Hell, I’ll vote for him! Why not?
UNDERTAKER versus RANDY ORTON
Cut back to live action, as a lightning bolt sparks a roaring fire at the top of the entrance ramp. It’s the Undertaker! The mistz of Ravenloft surround him as he makes his dramatic entrance. Randy Orton enters second through a rain of fire. No recap package.
In the early half of the match, Undertaker shows that he can clearly outmuscle Randy. But Orton has the speed advantage (IE: ability to dodge Undertakers plodding advances). Quick dodge into a long side headlock, but the power of the Undertaker strikes again. He drops Orton and goes for the pin. Taker then answers with his own headlock, but Orton quickly takes over with a hip toss and a clothesline. Not to be outdone, Taker answers with a strong one of his own. Taker has Orton down, and tortures his wrist on the map. The Undertaker knows submission wrestling, and further exhibits his UFC influences. Working on shoulder, slowly, methodically. Old school rope walk, but Orton’s speed allows him to counter with a top rope hip toss. But Randy’s still hurt, and can’t follow up. Michael Cole reminds us that Undertaker has been working on that shoulder – the same shoulder Chris Benoit went to school on last Thursday on Smackdown. Continuity! Randy tries to muscle the Undertaker around, but c’mon. He already proved he’s much stronger than you!
Soup bone punches, and he continues to whip Orton around the ring. Into the buckles, but Orton stuns him with a quick boot. Taker comes back with an even stronger one. Goes to work with forearm blows, and his vintage flying clothesline flip. But he can only get a 2 count. Taker looks uninspired as he hammers away at Orton in the corner. Stomps him into the mat, and then pauses to stare the ref down and intimidate him right out of the ring. Running knee lift to Orton in the corner, and the WWE’s golden boy is down again. Randy is just “being taken to school”, the announcers report. More 1950’s style pushing, shoving and referee frightening by the Undertaker. He goes for a big boot but gets hung up in the corner when he misses. But that minor mistake is still not enough for Orton to capitalize on, and Taker clocks him with an elbow as he climbs back up onto the apron. Slow to get back into the ring, Taker is easy prey for a quick-thinking Randy Orton, who catches him with a DDT before pillmanizng his ankle on the bottom rope.
Randy goes after the knee again, and the announcers applaud his sound strategy. Bounces Takers leg off the steel ringpost. Orton poses for the crowd, displaying his rampant arrogance. He keeps Taker down on the mat with kicks and stomps, before dragging him into the center of the ring for more punishment. He goes back to the brittle knees of the vintage Undertaker. Now Orton is firmly in control, but he can only keep the Deadman down for a two count. Crowd knows it’s not ending like this. Taker fights back, but the crowd expects this so there’s no reaction. Orton quickly takes over again, continuing to work Takers knee over the ropes. Taker.. fights.. back, but he’s struggling to just stand. Orton whips him off the rope and catches him with an impressive scoop powerslam. Still only two. Orton hooks in a vintage leglock, and the crowd starts buzzing for Takers eventual reversal. Taker is limping hard, but fights back valiantly. Misses a clothesline and Orton counters with a chopping block. Back to the knee, UFC style for Randy Orton. Working the knee on the ropes again, Orton miscalculates by taking time to gloat for the crowd. Taker uses his incredible leg strength to power Randy Orton up and out of the ring. Now Taker controls the match on the floor, but his knee is hurting. But he musters enough energy for a guillotine legdrop off the apron. Selling the knee, he goes for the rope walk again. Even Michael Cole questions if he can make it. Undertaker connects, and Cole notes how Taker’s knee buckled as it struck the canvass. But the Undertaker still can’t pin Randy Orton.
The slow, deliberate pace of this match favors the Undertaker (so say the announcers). Orton strikes with a textbook dropkick, and calls for the RKO (complete with goofy facial expressions). But he’s shoved off, and scooped up into the Tombstone! But wait, Orton is kicking and writing. He wriggles free, and reverses it into his own Tombstone – just like the Undertaker did to him at Wrestlemania! But he struggles to maintain his grip, and Undertaker reverses back into the Tombstone! Once MORE Orton wiggles free and catches Undertaker ina modified neck breaker. Slick series of reversals there. Now Randy’s in control with a few vicious forearm blows to the Undertakers chest. More taunting. Goes to the top rope and hits with a high cross body block. But Taker rolls through and pounds Orton relentlessly before dragging him to his feet and chokeslamming him to hell! Suddenly, a fan runs into the ring - complete with “serious silence” from the two announcers. But wait, it was a setup! As soon as the Undertaker’s back was turned, Orton struck from out of nowhere with the RKO – three count! Wow! It was Cowboy Bob Orton all along! He was providing a distraction for his son! The Undertaker’s legend has been slain! ***
JR, Coach and Lawler represent for the Democrats and Republicans in the house. Cut to Ken Methmen and Ed Gillespie (some politicians). Coach is forced to note how the crowd responds negatively to each man.
JOHN CENA versus CHRIS JERICHO for the WWE Championship.
Cena/Jericho history, all the way back to the day Y2J intro’d Cena as the #1 draft pick (complete with mock exultation on Jericho’s behalf).
Y2J emerges first to polite applause. The crowd knows what they came here to see. John Cena finally appears (repping MA in the intros) and the place goes crazy. He’s got “street smarts style” says JR. Nose to nose, the two enemies exhange some words before springing into action. The rivals exchange headlocks and shoulder tackles. They trade punches and chops. Back and forth they go, each man evenly matched. But as the announcers note, the longer this match goes the more beneficial it is to Jericho. They call out Rock and Austin by name as the two guys Y2J beat to win the undisputed title. Putting him over on commentary, Jericho takes over in the ring. But he soon misses a springboard dropkick that sends him crashing outside the ring. Cena tackles and pummels him into the ground. Cena drags him back in the ring, where he whips him around a bit more and continues to beat him – “street smarts style”. On the third turnbuckle whip, Cena runs into a boot to the face. Y2J returns fire with some of his own Canadian street fighting. Firmly in control now, he bounces Cena’s head off the turnbuckle and kicks him into the corner. Jericho drags him to the center of the ring and blasts him with a textbook vertical suplex. Two count, and Y2J strikes with a baseball dropkick before going into the illegal facelock.
They slug it out, and Cena wins that exchange. But he’s still groggy and Y2J has the presence of mind enough to hurl the champion out through the second rope. Dropkick off the apron by Jericho. Chokes Cena outside the ring with a television cable, and JR warns him not to get disqualified. Back in the ring, and Y2J is just punishing the champ with kicks to the ribs and chops to the chest. This all culminates in a huge superplex off the top rope by Jericho, that winds up hurting both grapplers. Y2J slowly goes for the cover, but can get only two. He goes for another quick pin, this time hooking the leg. Still no good. They’re fighting for the most prestigious title on Raw (and the money, reminds JR). Back and forth they go before Cena takes over again with high impact body drop and clotheslines. Cena gets visibly amped up, but Jericho remains calm and level headed. When Cena lunges at him, he dodges the spear and answers with modified bulldog of his own. He goes for the lionsault, but Cena rolls out of the way. Jericho lands on his feet, but may have tweaked his knee. Cena looks to wrap it up with the FU, but Jericho twists it into a victory roll, before coming out in position for the Walls of Jericho. Luckily for Cena, the champ is able to kick Y2J out of the ring before he cinched in his deadly maneuver.
Cue refs count. Both wrestlers don’t recover until the count of 7. Cena climbs to the top rope and catches Chris with a guillotine legdrop as Y2J enteres the ring. Another slow cover into a two count. Cena’ not a quote/unquote “high flyer” notes the Coach But it’s a testament what these men are willing to do to twin. Cena gets Jericho back into the FU position, but Y2J frees himself with a spinning DDT counter. Close two count. Chis takes over, working Cena’s kidneys with swift kicks, a backbreaker and multiple running elbow drops. The crowd is going ballistic with their “let’s go Cena!” chants. All the sudden, the crowd ERUPTS into dueling chants, Ring of Honor style! Awesome! Even the announcers must acknowledge it. And the chants keep going! These two wrestlers must be loving this. Y2J prances and preens, but runs into a hard clothesline. Crowd is really into this now, but both wrestlers are laid out on the mat. Gut check time cues JR. Slug fest, which Cena wins again with his street smarts style. Big right hand lais Chris out. Rocks him with clotheslines and a high impact hip toss. Spinning uranage, and the crowd is ready for the 5 knuckle shuffle. They pop, but when Jericho suddenly cinches in the Walls of Jericho out of nowhere, the crowd cheers even harder! The champ is in trouble!
Cena threatens to tap, and half the crowd cheers like rapid dogs. Marijuana smoke triggers long dormant memories, and I hear Gorilla Monsoon crying out “his place is going bananas!” Cena eventually gets to the ropes, and half the crowd boos! Dueling chants break out again. It’s the Chain Gang versus the Jericholics! Y2J goes for a top rope maneuver, but Cena counters it into position for a top rope FU. But he can’t complete it as Y2J suplexes him in the center of the ring… REAL close two count! Y2J argues with the ref, and loses sight of Cena. Bad move, Chris! Cena whirls him around into a quick FU – and hits the move with authority! Three seconds later and John Cena is the winner! Cena’s done it, the champ is still here! exclaims JR. But Cena is demure in his victory, as the Coach points out that a single second could have swung the match either way. Cena acts like it was a close call, but the crowd knows it never was. They got what they paid for. ****
Wrestlemania 22 is coming to Chicago, Sunday April 2nd. First time in almost a decade. Outside the MCI Center, it’s now dark out. Back to Michael Cole and Tazz at ringside as they hawk their Smackdown main event. JBL vs. Batista recap.
JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD versus BATISTA for the World Heavyweight championship.
JBL enters first, then Batista to a big pop. They brawl all the way up the ramp and into the technical area. Batista bashes JBL with the fire extinguisher, and suddenly the World title is reminding me of the Hardcore championship. They whip each other around a bit, and JBL takes control. They continue to brawl ringside, with JBL taking it to the champion hard. Batista doesn’t stay down long though, and answers with a strong right hand. But crafty JBL comes up quick with a steel chair, and bangs it off Batista’s cranium. This only angers the beast, and Batista spears JBL THROUGH the ringside barricade! Spectacular visual!
But Batista ultimately winds up on the business end of the steel ring post and JBL is back in control. Center of the ring, where he hurts Batista with a stiff clothesline before stomping him like the animal he is. JBL is outside the ring, where he retrieves a thick leather strap. He takes it to the broad back of the man beast with sickening efficiency, welting his back with each blow. He taunts Batista, calling him an animal in between each vicious slap. “C’mon animal! This is no holds barred!” he bellows. He chokes Batista out with the strap, turning him purple. The World champion muscles his way into the center of the ring, but collapses from lack of oxyen and JBLs girth upon his back.
Center of the ring, Batista fights back up from one knee and answers with a desperate back body drop. Trying to catch his breath, he’s drags himself back to his feet. When Batista gets the leather strap in his hands, and is suddenly reinvigorated. He punishes JBL with the strap and plays to the crowd. Running shoulder thrusts in the corner. The crowd watches in anticipation for Batista’s next big move but he’s derailed by a boot to the face in the corner. JBL steals his thunder with a sick clothesline from hell! Only two! JBL is frustrated. He grabs the steel ring steps and brings them into the ring. JBL attempts to powerbomb Batista onto the steel steps, but is backdropped off at the last minute. JBL is still up first, and kicks Batista back down to the mat. But JBL is hurt. He staggers around the ring, before charging Batista. But he’s caught with the spinebuster! Batista violently shakes the ropes like the Ultimate Warrior and prepares to bring the pain. Thumbs up/down, followed by a big Batista Bomb. Crowd loved that. So much so, that they prevent Batista from going for the easy pin by chanting “one more time!” Another thunderous Batista Bomb, this one right on the steel ring steps in the center of the ring. Batista pins him and JBL has been legally murdered. Also what we all paid to see. *** ½
HULK HOGAN versus SHAWN MICHAELS
Recap. Revered silence befitting a PPV Main Event. The “Sexy Boy” theme splits the silence and we’re ready to start. Another long moment of silence before Hogan’s intro. And when the first chords of his theme blare through the speakers, the MCI Center explodes. Big pop for Hogan. A giant American flag unfurls behind as he does his flexing routing. JR says it’s the largest flag he’s ever seen.
The Icon and the Legend take their time locking up, building anticipation for their first contact to a feverish pitch. Hogan shows his raw power by tossing Michaels around like a rag doll and flexing in his face. But Michaels is undeterred. Instead, he uses his technical expertise to work Hogan over with arm and head locks. Shoulder block counter by the Hulkster sends Michaels out of the ring and Hogan throws his bandana at him. Michaels takes his time getting back in, urging for more crowd participation but they only watch on silently. The two wrestlers tease more contact, and the crowd is trying to get it going but no chants are catching on. Michaels begins chopping away at Hogan in the corner, eliciting Ric Flair’s trademarked “whoooo!”s with every strike. Michaels repeats the procedures three times, until Hogan throws him onto the top turnbuckle – bouncing him up and down with repeated kicks to the gut. The last of which straddles Michaels on the top rope in the most gentlest of areas.
Hogan’s back with more ‘80s punches as he wraps up Shawn in the corner. Hogan punches and Michaels bounces up and down off the mat. Is this a comedy match? Michaels counters the deadly main event eyepoke, and more Ric Flair chops. Is he doing this on purpose? Hogan returns with a back body drop, and clotheslines Michaels over the top ropes (complete with cartoonishly oversold bonus flip by Michaels at the end). Both wrestlers outside the ring, and Coach and Lawler are laughingly naming past Hulk Hogan nemesis (like Andre the Giant and Big John Studd). Michaels is back in for more punishment. Hogan is “very aggressive: with a couple of clotheslines, but the crowd’s not really feelin this. Michaels makes a comeback, but they’re sellin a 20 minute match at the 5 minute mark. Shawn rams Hogans head into the buckles, but Hogan hulks up! It appears Shawn doesn’t appreciate that very much, and he “shoots” on Hogan by breaking up his Hulkster routine with vicious chops! He bounces Hogan’s head off the turnbuckle again and this time Hogan sells it. But just as quick as that Hogan fires back with punches and Shawn winds up outside the ring.
Outside, Hogan stalks him and body slams him onto the announce table. Slings him headfirst into the steel ring post and again Michaels cartoonishly oversells it. Hogan goes for a javelin toss into the post, but Michaels reverses and Hogan winds up kissing the steel. Now Michaels has the advantage, as he runs Hogan into the post a second time. Shawn’s giving it all he has but he still can’t knock the Hulkster down (says the Coach). Back in the ring, Shawn goes for the 10 count punch, but Hogan doesn’t even let him get a single one off. He shoves Shawn to the mat. Second time around, Shawn gets up to four before Hulk throws him off again. Michaels tries for the Stinger splash, but Hogan catches him. He won’t sell for Shawn! Michaels awkwardly collapses on top of Hulk and peppers him with stiff right hands. It’s a shoot! They’re not cooperating! Shawn warned this might happen during his promo with all the insider lingo! Those shots by Shawn were so hard, unrestrained and legit that Hogan comes up bleeding profusely from his wrinkled forehead. Now Michaels is just dominating Hogan with punches, keeping him trained on the mat. He whips Hogan off the ropes for a climatic end-all-move main event move… a wraps him up in the sleeper hold. He’s choking out the bloody Hogan right in the center of the ring. Seriously, this is pretty gross. Hogan’s blood is cascading down Michael’s arm. Crowd buys it and a weak Hogan chant begins. Disgusting bladejob. Arm drops once. Arm drops twice. But wait, one finger waving in the air, saying no! It’s not over! Hulkster fights back and hits a desperation suplex. Both men are down. This is so old school. Hogan bounces Shawn off the ropes, but he ricochets back with the flying forearm and quickly kips up. Crowd is hot now, and Shawn is just strutting his stuff. He climbs the top rope, but misses the flying elbowdrop when Hogan dodges at the last possible second. Hogan sees his own blood pouring down his face, and Hulks up! YOU! Hogan punches, each with a resounding “OO! OO! OO!” from the crowd. He sends Shawn into the ropes in preparation for the big boot, but NO! Another flying forearm that collapses both Hogan AND the ref! All three men are down. Suddenly, Shawn kips up again and the crowd is clearly in his favor.
Coach says this is why Shawn is the best. He hesitates, should I drop another elbow? No, he decides to apply the Sharpshooter (gingerly) to Hogans stiff body! Hogan tapped out! But the ref didn’t see it, and he resists the urge to tap again when a second ref enters the fray. But JR calls out the date and says we just saw Hogan tap. Still trapped in the center of the ring, Hogan is pouring blood in a very Steve Austin-ish visual. Finally he gets to the rope and the crowd boos! Wow, JR tries to cover it by saying Michaels’ fans weren’t happy. But Lawler rightfully questions if Hogan really is immortal. He kicks Michaels off of him and the SECOND ref goes down. Hogan struggles to his feet. His “replaced hip” must be hurting, surmises JR. Lowblow and down goes the old man. Michaels goes outside to retrieve a steel chair. Hogan takes forever to turn around and get whacked. Michaels scales the turnbuckles and hits his tope rope flying elbow drop, ala Randy Savage. He preens for the crowd, before waking up the official. Then he sets up for the Sweet chin music. Slowly….slowly…. BOOM! Sweet Chin Music scores a direct hit and the crowd pops huge. It’s all over! The ref slowly crawls over to make the count. 1… 2… HUGE KICK OUT!
Hulk Up! Crowd is bugging out. Vintage Hulk Hogan. Shawn’s punches have NO affect. YOU! More patented Hogan punches, with the crowd following along on every one. Big boot finally hits, complete with another cartoonish oversell. Crowd laps it up regardless. Ear to the crowd, big leg drop. Happy ending. Match ends at 10:50 EST. This was the Hulksters night, so say the announcers. Hulkamania is alive and well. Shawn breaks up Hogan’s post match celebration. Center ring stare down. Shawn extends his hand in a show of mutual respect. . Hogan looks to the crowd for approval, and they like what they see. He accepts, and the two rivals shake hands like men. JR says “there’s a lot of class in that ring right now”. Signed off at 10:55 pm EST. ***
Wow, tough show. They completely destroyed a young up-and-comer in the opening match (Orlando Jordan) and didn’t leave much room for follow-up in the “Matt Hardy seeks revenge” story arc either. Why rush these promising matches to make more time for Hogan’s “straight out of the 1980’s” stalling tactics? The announcers DID say this night was all about Hogan, but he should NOT have been in the nights main event. A special attraction match, yeah. Like the Kurt Angle/Eugene encounter. But definitely not the main event! This match was all nostalgia, and even Shawn Michaels’ desperate attempt to keep things relevant couldn’t drag this match out of 1986. I had high hopes for the Eddie vs. Rey match, and although the right guy one – I’m finally realizing that ladder matches really ARE played out. But we all wanted to see Cena and Batista win in dominating fashion, which they did, so that was satisfying. Other than that, I actually feel slightly unfulfilled after tonight’s event. That’s a bummer, dude. But luckily for me, I won’t remember much about it after tomorrow anyway (so thank you Mary Jane for robbing me of my short term memory). Remember, kids – don’t do drugs! It just leaves more for me!
This is the MadStepDad signing off from another enriching edition of Elysian Fields. Peace!
