Violent Tendencies are highlighted this time around from WWE 24/7!
"Shroomz? Yeah that's some other shit.
One of the reasons why George Clinton sees the mothership"
* Xzibit - "Shroomz"
Regular WWE Magazine readers stand up. Ever since the WWE re-launched their publication with a MAXIM bent, they've started printings factual inaccuracies covertly within their pages. They're usually given as answers to their trivia questions, and are portrayed as such to get the maximum amount of input from their "smart fans". The only ones nerdy and meticulous enough to note such small gaffes. Either that, or the new editors and writing staff are too dumb to really do the research. Such is the case with the following example:
Last week I ran a recap of a Bruiser Brody match from 1986. The date listed was 10-12-1986, nearly three months after Brody was killed in Puerto Rico! Andrew Prentice notices this little gaffe and brought it to my attention. All I can think is that maybe this was just the airdate, not the actual live date of the card. Either that or the researchers at WWE 24/7 are too high to do their homework! I'm leaning towards the latter, especially on this occasion. One thing led to another this weekend, and now I'm all alone coming down off a two day shroom bender.
I'm just slightly weirded out, clinging to my familiar purple haze to bring me back to earth. So bear with me if the language goes slightly askew, it's hard to focus on the colored computer screen. Thank God for spell check. But I made deadline!
TERRY FUNK
April 1979
Black-n-white shot of Snitsky's back tattoo. He turns to face the camera with his rotten teeth, and proclaims "my name is Snitsky. I have no idea who I'm gonna hurt next. Just like no one knew who the Funks were gonna harm next… know what I mean?..." sadistic chuckle
Terry Funk sits in the center of the interview table, flanked by his brother Dory and a guy wearing a loud aqua marine jacket with wide lapels. Funk cuts a steely eyed promo, never breaking eye contact with the main camera. He will bring the pain to Dusty Rhodes.
Cut to video excerpts as the three way dialogue between the funk Brothers and commentator continues. Terry's in his corner of the ring during introductions. With a thick white bandage on his forehead, he's seconded by his brother Dory. Crowd responds voraciously. Cut to action. Lock up with the Dream. Big Dust comes quickly into the match with a series of bionic elbows, followed by his big wiggle jabs. Funk on commentary calls it a "lucky left" that caught him, as his body ricocheted off the mat with the last punch. Now we get to the meat of Terry's objections. His voice grows heated and more agitated as we watch Dusty Rhodes irish whip Funk off the ropes and floor him with a cast-coated back elbow. Dusty continues to use the foreign object to his advantage as he drops a fat elbow across the sternum, and then another one on Funks knee. He plays to the crowd like Ric Flair holding the leg, before sequencing into a spinning toe hold – Terry's own move! Crowd roars their approval.
All the while, Funk on overdub commentary is complaining about Dusty's use of his cast. "It's the cast hurting me, not the toe hold!" So of course it's perfectly rational to see big brother Dory rush into action with the assist, as Funk continues to give his narration. Hard kicks from Dory's cowboy boots split Dusty's forehead like a watermelon, allowing Terry to gouge and tear at the cast and weak arm. Big Dust is damn near unconscious, and bleeding uncontrollably. Terry continues to pulverize the stripped arm with vicious knee drops and strikes, all to the crowds roaring disdain. Suddenly, Reggie Parks and bunch of Dusty's other "little idiots" (as Terry calls them on commentary) rush to ring and attempt to break up the massacre. But the two brothers fight them off black ninja style, and nearly clear the ring. But the sheer number of jobbers is overwhelming, and somehow Dusty is dragged out of the ring to safety. Wild brawl continues to ensue in the ring, as the commentary gravely discuss Dusty's arm injury on overdub. Terry Funk promises "it will be over quicker than you know".
Cut back to the live interview. Terry is incredulous when asked if he thinks Dusty will make him pay for the assault. "Seek revenge on me? He better bring a whole lot more of himself!" Dory chimes in with some ominous death threats of his own, all shaded beneath the brim of his giant cowboy hat. Wrap that up, Snitsky signs us off, and we're out.
***BONUS FOOTAGE***
Bruiser Brody & the Missing Link versus Terry Gordy & the Great Kabuki
WCCW
May 6, 1986
Close up of Snitsky's knuckles wrapped in chains. Cut to facial close up. "Does it make me a bad person that when I hurt people I feel no regret? Do you think any of these four felt sorrow for what they did? I don't think so!"
Cut to action. Madd people in the ring, including some camera man and extras (cut to jerky camera angle from within the stampeding ring). Wild brawl between all participants breaks out. Bruiser Brody tackles the massive Gordy and pitches him through the ropes and outside the ring while Link and Kabuki brawl in the center. Bruiser drags him out into the crowd a bit, and current WWE staples such as steel barricades are noticeably absent. Here, the cozy (yet boisterous and blood thirsty) fans are only separated from the wrestlers by a few thin strands of string. Brody and Gordy easily brush through those as they take their fisticuffs on the road and up the various aisles. Crowd loves it. Brody stalks Gordy around the ringside area where he eats a punch and Gordy is in control (albeit shortly). Brody quickly goes into the no sell and answers with an eye rake. In the ring, Kabuki has fought off Missing Link and stands unopposed. Focus on Brody and Gordy, who continue their brawl outside the ring.
They brawl in and around the shoddy string partitions and suddenly the bell rings to signify the official beginning of the match. Undeterred by the madness unfolding around him, the ring announcer calmly recites the complete match rules and introductions. By the time he gets to weight classes, Kabuki is killing the Missing Link in the center of the ring with a dangerous Oriental nerve pinch. Brody and Gordy are out of the picture as the crowd focuses their chants on the struggling Missing Link. He tries to fight to his feet, with the crowd chanting his name. But it's to no avail, the nerve pinch is too disabling. Suddenly he fights back with a toe-stomp! Kabuki releases the hold and grasps his foot like a THREE STOOGES flick. Both wrestlers stagger briefly, before Link eats a thrust kick from the aging Kabuki. The evil and mysterious ninja plays to the crowd, with exaggerated hand gesture signaling the return of his deadly nerve pinch! Once again he clamps its paralyzing effect upon the shoulder and neck area of the Missing Link. Looks like a flabby old man with long hair and cheap face paint clamping a rest hold on a swollen, fungus-colored caveman with weird poofy hair.
Time for crowd shots as the mostly teenage audience cheers "Go Link go!" Kabuki releases the hold to showboat, but eats a plunging Link headbutt to the gut. Link is still dazed, and looks toward his fans for energy. Again he unloads with a falling head thrust into Kabuki's gut that's reminiscent of a "brontosaurus attack" (so says the commentator). The Missing Link is back in control, the crowd firmly behind him. He clasps Kabuki by his long hair and drives him face first into the top turnbuckle. Kabuki is down and the Link stands on his chest with both feet, using the ropes for added leverage. Crowd loves it. Missing Link moves off his opponent to study Kabuki's cornerman Michael Hayes actions at ringside. Hayes keeps the green-faced goon distracted long enough for Kabuki to rile the crowd up with more exaggerated gestures for the death pinch. But Link catches him in time and floors him again. To keep the Kabuki down, Link scales the ropes and delivers a diving forearm. Crowd roars it's approval.
Audience is hot now, and Link rewards their participation with… a giant bear hug! Kabuki performs a wildly exaggerated eye rake to escape. Both men writhe on the mat in pain, and Link checks his eyes to make sure they're still there. Hayes gives Kabuki some ringside advice, and the beaten old man drags himself to his feet to continue the attack. With his shoddy face paint melting off beneath hot arena lights, Kabuki takes Link down with a low spinning heel kick. Suddenly, the house announcers voice comes over the airwaves again. He says Bruiser Brody and Terry Gordy brawled out of the building and will not be returning. Crowd noises roise as Kabuki stands on the second rope strands and pounces onto Link with a FLYING variation of his always deadly nerve pinch.
Ref is checking. Shots of the ringside managers to fill time. Link is still dying on the mat, flopping like a fish out of water. His legs convulse wildly, allowing him to fight back to both knees – then both feet. He musters enough strength to propel Kabuki face first into the buckles again, stunning the Asian warrior. One more brontosaurus attack from Missing Link, and Kabuki is on the mat in pain. Hayes sees his charge down, and springs into action. He slides Kabuki a set of nun chucks, an illegal action the audience clearly sees (but the ref doesn't). Kabuki bides his time as the crowd goes bonkers, trying to alert the ref to the bad guys dubious actions. Nunchuck to the gut of an oncoming Missing Link! Another blow to the back, and the green-hued madman is on the mat struggling to breathe. Now Kabuki goes back into his nerve hold, only with a slight variation – clutching Link around the throat like a choke hold. "Something new and different!" screams the ringside commentator. A chair gets tossed into the ring and winds up in Links hands. He uses it to bang his OWN head the intimidation factor alone drive Kabuki out of the ring, where he flees with Michael Hayes. Announcer calls it a win for Link via DQ and we're done.
"My pleasure is people's pain". I'm done bombing on these other writers. We be like shroomz shits – clearing the whole house out. One.
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