You're running, your pace is picking up
Your face is dripping blood - I'm coming
You're screaming - nobody hears you like you're dreaming
The scalpel is right behind you, ready to slice you uneven…
* Necro - "Scalpel"
I've been reading Apter mags since Brand Nubian said "Slow Down". They treated the wrestling game with a sincerity and a seriousness that belied its carny roots (while still maintaining - perhaps even fashioning - these same archaic codes). When Apter himself slid out of the shadows in the late 90's with his own "smart" books (like the now-defunct but revolutionary W.O.W. World of Wrestling series – of which I have the whole set!), I went right along with the ride. Honestly, I didn't even realize wrestling had "smart" sites on the net until Apter directed me there with ads for the old wrestleline.com. In the years since, we've all got a lot smarter. Even as mainstream publications like Pro Wrestling Illustrated have quietly gone shoot, they still manage to find that right blend of mark and smart. I look back at old issues now (from the early 80's) and marvel at how nuggets of territorial truth find their way into their subjective fiction. These articles and stories have always been exciting, unique and downright entertaining. Much like the content we get for free everyday here at 411Mania.
Anybody that knows the history of our internet culture knows 411Mania was born out of our nerdish love for pro wrestling. All the great stuff you used to have wait a month for at the newsstands is now available at the click of a finger – fresh every 24 hours. That's a lot of content, and a ton of unique perspectives. Hell even the pro authors have daily journals and online blogs. So how does one go about finding some elbow space in an already standing-room only crowd? By coming with that next big thing. That one idea you can pass down to your familia for generations to come. So - much like I jumpstarted MMA coverage here at 411Mania, I'm back to spearhead another initiative. Yes, it's true it's true. While the 411Mania site for MMA only has archives that stretch back to 9-23-06, I assure I was there first. Here's the proof. Welcome to the Sunday Morning Hangover. Remixed. We continue to blaze new trails.
THE SUNDAY MORNING HANGOVER
Inaugural Edition
Psychos, Sickos, Maniacs & Monsters
They're almost as annoying as Jillian Hall's singing voice. Almost as bad (and damn near unavoidable) as the "Don't Try This At Home" vignettes before every WWE DVD release. I'm talking about the ads for WWE On Demand. They promise you can "Relive" some of the greatest moments in all of wrestling history, at your own convenience and control. Sounds remarkable, amazing even. Sounds like every fans fantasy, and it was widely regarded as such just a few short years ago. So it's like a dream come true now every time we watch these WWE On Demand commercials. But does the concept live up to its hype? Will it fulfill every fans wishes, or go up in smoke like the WCW invasion angle? Sip this mimosa and puff a roach, cuz there's only one way to find. Pull up a chair now as The Sunday Morning Hangover continues.
It's October 2007, and Hallows Eve quickly approaches. In honor of our pagan national holiday, WWE On Demand is offering a "Shorties" section dedicated to the "Psychos, Sickos, Maniacs and Monsters" of pro wrestling. Really helps you get into the killing spirit, with a cast and crew of goons that make Michael Myers look like the Tooth Fairy. Seconding that emotion is the demented Snitsky who lovingly hosts this mornings festivities.
Abdullah the Butcher versus Bruiser Brody
Steel Cage Match
WCCW
10/12/86
Rated TV14 V. Snitsky opens in a black and white vignette by announcing "let the fun begin". Cut to action. Abdullah the Butcher and Bruiser Brody start out trapped in the cage as the official introduction begin. Abdullah looks absolutely horrifying with a black executioners mask draped over his head while pacing his corner hungrily. Manager Gary Hart seconds him, and tries to keep the Mad Man from the Sudan under control. Tonight he's billed at 481 pounds. In the other corner, Bruiser Brody stalks his side of the ring and is announced at an even 300 pounds. Crowd cheers lustily. Finally, "after a world wide search" Fritz von Erich is announced as the special referee for this main event. The steel cage is the old school mesh kind, like the stuff found around prison yards or slaughter houses.
Fritz Von Erich aggressively searches Abdullah for foreign items (in a cage match?) as Gary Hart keeps his charge in command. Von Erich dispels Hart from the ring and calls for the bell. The two mat madmen, Brody and Abdullah, circle as Hart finds his way to ringside. Lockup and they grapple for position along the ropes and cage. Brody into the corner and Von Erich calls for a break. He has to physically force the two apart. He imposes his rules and authority over them with a stern lecture.
The two fighters lock up again - close up on their straining faces. Abdullah whips Brody into the buckles and follows with a massive avalanche. Brody is instantly deflated. He's caught in the corner and Abdullah ambushes him with chops and slaps. Brody staggers around the ring. Abdullah drags him to the ropes and pulls Brody's long hair around the middle strands. Brody is down and Abdullah goes to work with a strange kind of face pull submission, but Brody flops into pinning position and Abdullah doesn't comply. Instead he gets to his feet to showboat, before dropping massive elbow across Brody's chest piece. Crowd is scared silent. Again he moves into position, but Brody drags himself to his feet and boots Abdullah in his massive gut as he charges. They exchange hard shots toe to toe, and Brody drives his meaty opponent back into the turnbuckles where unleashes barrage of stiff kicks to the face that look totally uninhibited and wild. Abdullah bleeds hard way from the permanent lacerations on his forehead (but somewhere in there you can see a quick swipe with a razor blade). Into the cage Brody drags his foes head across the steel and pounds him down to one knee. Outside Hart yells directions to his charge.
Three times Brody propels himself off the ropes with a running boot into Abdullah's head. But on the 4th charge the Butcher catches him with a retaliatory kick and just like that, the madman from the Sudan is back in control They brawl wildly across the cage, and Abdullah winds up with his beefy paws in the back of Brody's knotty hair, raking his face across the fence. Gurgling madly, with that trance-like stare of dense bloodlust that is his trademark, Abdullah continues his mutilation even as Von Erich warns him to break. Abdullah does break and stares daggers through the special ref. Abdullah hits two head butts but Brody seems unfazed. He comes back with some punches and suddenly both men are on their knees trading hard blows. Brody starts hitting some hard, unanswered shots coupled with double axe handle blows to Abdullah's exposed face and skull. The crowd cheers each successive hit but Brody can't seem to drop the massive butcher. Abdullah wobbles, and finally hits the mat – eliciting a round of cheers from the crowd.
Brody scales the turnbuckles, much to the crowds excitement. He's all the way to the top, using the cage for balance. Seeing the massive Brody scaling the top turnbuckle really puts this small ring size in perspective. It's much smaller than a standard WWE ring. Brody comes off the top with a forearm to the center of Abdullah's crimson forehead, stunning him indefinitely. The butcher stares into space with a vacant look in his eyes, before collapsing to both knees. In response, Brody bounds off the ropes again and deliver another crushing boot to the butchers brain cavity. This shot finally drops the bloody Abdullah.
Crowd reaction shot, lots of white people. Dudes with trucker hats and chicks with frizzy ‘80s mops. Gary Hart slips something through the mesh into Abdullah's waiting hands, and it immediately reinvigorates him. Brody comes into the picture and Abdullah jabs him with the unseen object. "He had something… in his hand!" exclaims the color commentator. Von Erich comes over to investigate, but Abdullah stashes it in his tights and jabs the special ref in the throat for hanging all over his back. Von Erich staggers across to the to the other turnbuckles, clutching his throat. It's a fork or something, and Abdullah violently stabs Brody in the forehead. Only a couple of inches lower and…. well, you know. Before the Butcher can strike again, Von Erich catches his hand and expels the object from the ring. Crowd is loving Von Erich's handling of the situation. Abdullah confronts Von Erich who suddenly springs into action, pummeling the Butcher with stiff punches. The barrage is so deadly that it drops Abdullah like a 500 pound bag of wet concrete. Von Erich then directs the groggy Bruiser over for the pin and counts the three. Bruiser Brody wins (with help from the special referee). Travesty!
Gary Hart rushes the ring to appeal the decision. Abdullah wipes the blood from his forehead and tries to gather himself as Brody escapes the ring. Gary is face to face with Fritz pointing and yammering. But Von Erich is giving it right back. Abdullah sneaks in with a shot to the back of Fritz head, but big daddy Von Erich no sells it. Instead, he grabs Gary Hart by the coat and flings him into the Butcher. Abdullah charges the elderly man but eats a boot to the gut. Von Erich then stabs the Butcher in the head with his own fork! He grabs Hart and does the same to him! The butcher and Von Erich grapple as security (who look like dudes from the audience) enter the ring and separate the parties. Von Erich's shirt is stained with Abdullah's blood.
Snitsky signs off by whispering "My pleasure is pain. See you soon". More nightmares to come.
*** BONUS MATERIAL!!! ***
Army of Darkness
Championship Wrestling
Florida
1986
Rated TV 14 V. Snitsky is back with the same black and white filmography, clutching two dangling chains. "Sometimes I have no explanation for my actions... You think a man like Kevin Sullivan ever did? No remorse. Feel the pain…" Sick grin.
Cut to Gordie Solie live in the CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING interview booth, introducing Kevin Sullivan and his Army of Darkness. He has Roddy Piper face paint from WRESTLEMANIA VI (Half black/half white) and a black hooded cloak with dark purple lining covering his head. Behind him stalk some of his brood, and suddenly you see where Raven got his idea for the Flock. There's Luna Vachon lurking in the background! With the same blond Mohawk and colored veins along her temples! Sullivan throws back his hood to speak, and even beneath the thin layer of makeup you can see a roadmap of scar tissue on his forehead. "Darkness has laid a long time in the moons. Evil has laid dormant for a looooong time…" he intones.
He gives esoteric, arcane quotes with all the fervor of a roadside preacher. He promises his enemies the Road Warriors (who are teaming with Blackjack Mulligan and Wahoo McDaniel) that "all hell will break loose". But his biggest target is Superstar Graham, who has just split from Sullivan's brainwashed camp. "Just when you thought it was safe to come to Florida, my heart has turned back to darkness"… the madman from Boston growls. All the while, the crowd jeers and mocks him.
Cut to action. Bob Roop tosses his unnamed jobber opponent in 6 man tag action, as he his Army of Darkness cohorts (Purple Haze and leader Kevin Sullivan are just demolishing their overmatched opponents. Roop drags a jobber named Backlund over the top rope before pitching him across the ring and through the ropes hard to the outside. There, Purple Haze muscles him into a gorilla press and tosses him back INTO the ring where Kevin Sullivan is waiting. He pulls Backlund to his feet and punches him back down. He plays to the crowd before pulling Backlund back to his feet and smashing his head into an oncoming Bob Roop forearm. Roop wears some kind of weird half-face paint, Purple Haze wears none. Roop holds the nearly deceased jobber in place for Purple Haze to enter the ring and crush him with a Khali hand chop. Backlund is down and Haze once again pitches him through the ropes and outside the ring.
Haze follows his opponent out and takes him to the metal chairs before gripping and tearing at his face. Backlund rolls in and gets stomped by Sullivan. Roop pitches him back into his own corner with a hair pull where Backlund wisely tags out. But his partner gets swallowed as soon as he enters the ring by the black-vested Bob Roop who propels him into the opposite corner where Kevin Sullivan awaits. More hard chops from Roop. Sullivan begs for the tag and gets it. Chops the jobber to the mat multiple times. As Sullivan utilizes another quick tag (nobody has been in the ring longer than 30 seconds at any time) the poor jobber uses this time to tag his own partner. But Roop meets them in their corner and chops him down too. Jobber #2 quickly tags out and Backlund reenters. Roop Irish whips him off the ropes and decapitates him with a powerful lariat. Backlunds body careens 360 degrees from the force, before crashing lifelessly to the mat. Roop easily covers him for the pin.
Back to the Solie interview – Sullivan says the real Billy Graham died in that desert. Now all that's left is for the vultures to do their job. More devilish, arcane gibberish. Weird and freaky stuff.
Stay tuned next week for more WWE 24/7 On Demand, as THE SUNDAY MORNING HANGOVER continues to refresh wrestling fans across the globe!
peace!
MSD
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